8 Inanimate Objects Worth Humping

#1: CARS
Some guy called Edward Smith has apparently had his way with 1,000 automobiles. FYI, Toyotas and Hondas have the tightest exhausts.

#2: PARK BENCHES
This 41-year-old Hong Kong man had to be rescued from paramedics after sticking his wang in a park bench. Adding insult to injury, the news report described the holes as “numerous” and “small.” Poor Chinese guy.

#3: PILLOWS
The old “hole-in-the-pillow” trick is an old boarding-school standby. Shit, now they actually make pillows with holes already in them! Modern engineering, folks.

#4: WARM TOWELS
In a past life, we interviewed Capone-N-Noreaga about their stints in jail, and they put us onto “Susies,” which are sex contraptions that inmates make out of warm towels, rubber gloves and Vaseline. “I used to be so picky, too,” said N.O.R.E., “like I can’t fuck with a Susie unless it’s been on the heater for 10 minutes.” We’re gonna take a moment here for you to absorb all of these mental images.

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