How Should Obama Spend His Leftover Money?

Bill Gates, Tiger Woods, Barack Obama is tryin’ to get that Oprah. And he’s succeeding, from the looks of September, when his campaign pulled in a boner-inducing $150 million from supporters (632,000 of ‘em). The thing is, it’s being estimated that counting this month’s haul, Obama’s gonna have about double that to spend between now and Election Day, which raises the question: how can you spend all that money in less than a month?

He’s already bought a half-hour on network television and is spending ungodly amounts in pipe-dream states like West Virginia, so he’s clearly open to creative concepts'and we figured we’d help out by proposing a few more. Dear Obama campaign: Thank-yous can be directed to our own meager-ass checking accounts and 401(k)s 01(k)s…

#1: Have All Voting Stations Moved To Strip Clubs

Imagine the voter turnout if undecideds finally took their faces out of their Hungry Man microwave lunches and stoked their political ardor by learning how really work the polls.

#2: Throw An Extravagant Baby Shower Gift For Bristol And Levi

Just think–$150 million can pretty much get one of everything from the Spencer GIfts registry. Actually, it can pretty much get a million of everything. Which is good, because since condoms are clearly too complicated, the happy couple might just need multiple Insane Clown Posse onesies.

#3: Buy All Those Unwanted McCain Shirts

We tried to save the guy, but that campaign apparel is so bad that not even Nicaraguan orphans are gonna want to wear the leftovers. Obama being a decent dude and all, we figured he might want to buy the lot of ‘em and re-license them to Urban Outfitters as ironic statements. Seriously. They’d go great with “Kentucky Is For Cousin-Fucky” legwarmers.

#4: Have The Greatest Inauguration Party Of All Time

Ludacris. Scarlett Johansson. Common “Can I Borrow Some Incense?” Sense. The ghost of Isaac Hayes. Bruce motherfuckin’ Springsteen, y’all. Basically, every decent musician (other than Ted Nugent) would be on hand to make sure no one went home without a hangover in the making and possibly permanent hearing loss. Maybe even DMX will have heard of him by then.

#5: Hire Thousands And Thousands Of Industrial-Strength Jackhammers To Protect The Country From “Pro-America” America

You think you saw angry Republicans outside Sarah Palin rallies? Just wait ’til an Obama victory. We’re gonna have to herd those apoplectic wingnuts into Florida, then amputate the sumbitch and let it float out to sea. Hope your xenophobia and willful ignorance serves you well when you’re fighting over the last uncooked plantain, fucknuts.