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Captain Knick: 5 Reasons To Get Excited About The Knicks

One way or another, the Knicks will blow up this year!

It’s been a long off-season for the New York Knicks and their number one supporter, Captain Knick (they get considerably longer when you’re eliminated from playoff contention a month into the season). After hiring new General Manager Donnie Walsh and replacing disgraced Coach and Chief Executive Officer of Sexual Harassment and Xenophobia Isiah Thomas with former Phoenix Suns coach Mike D’Antoni, there’s reason to believe something better is in store for the Big Apple.

Look, the preseason hasn’t even begun and already the Knicks are tied for first place! Before they lose a game and the shine wears off, check out five reasons Cappy is amped for the ‘08-’09 season…


INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS!
They call Gallinari “The Rooster,” but he’s no cockboy.
In his first draft as Knicks GM, Walsh ended Thomas’s policy of never drafting foreigners by selecting 20-year-old Italian small forward Danilo Gallinari. The main question surrounding him is not how quickly he will develop against bigger, stronger opponents but how much MSG will play up his ethnic white-dentity for fans passionate about all things pale. Like the Mets, who play Dropkick Murphy’s “Shipping up to Boston” as walk-up music for Floridian “McOutfielder” Daniel “Danny Boy” Murphy, the Knicks are not above playing JumboTron clips of Rocky, selling cannolis at concession stands, and having the Knick City Strippers Dancers break out the Tarantella! Viva Italia!

HEART-POUNDING ACTION!
Eddy Curry heart conditions NY.
An out of shape starting center with heart problems whose specialty is planting his plentiful cellulite in the post gets a new coach who employs a fast-paced, seven-seconds-or-less offense! Sounds like sitcom gold, but it’s reality TV for the Knicks! Tune in to see how high Coach D’Antoni can push Eddy “I sweat Twinkie filling” Curry’s heart rate before his heart explodes! Then what will all those hateful bastards who said he had no heart say?

EXPIRING CONTRACTS!
You’re offering a paper bag for Marbury…? Deal!
Normally, when saddled with underperforming players’ big contracts, you’d try to trade them away for a mayonnaise sandwich. Seeing as no team wants to disrespect a mayo sammie by taking NY’s trash, the Knicks are stuck waiting for shitty contracts to expire. Stephon Marbury (owed $21,937,500 this season) and Malik Rose ($7,647,500) come off the books at the end of the year, which means that with every game the Knicks are a $360,792.68 hemorrhage closer to financial flexibility. For anyone scoring, that’s 29,585,000 L’s and one huge win!

SPAR-BURY!
Two men enter, one man leaves. It’s a Marbury-D’Antoni cage match, bitches!
Wild card Stephon Marbury has publicly feuded with his last two coaches and officially challenged Ron Artest for the title of NBA’s craziest player, but he’s apparently in the best shape of his career (he’s even got an upcoming fitness video—available for the holidays!—to prove it). After initially declaring himself the team’s starting point guard, he said he’d accept any role when word leaked that Coach D’Antoni prefers him as a shooting guard off the bench. Starbury’s deference should last about a New York minute—coincidentally as long as it takes him to ask an intern if she wants to fuck in his truck.

LOW EXPECTATIONS!
If you set the bar low enough, the Knicks will still trip over it.
After tying the club’s worst record (23-59) twice in three years, even the most optimistic fans aren’t planning their year around a trip to the post-season. A new coach and GM is great, but the team is still stuck waddling around with the skid marks of the Isiah Thomas era on its compression shorts. And when you’re playing to lose just a little less, you’ve already won.

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