7 Reasons Why Smoking Is Great

Starting today, cigarettes purchased in the United Kingdom will show photos of cancerous lungs and throats as well as rotting teeth, to help pump up written warnings like “Smoking clogs the arteries and causes heart attacks and strokes” and “Smoking will kill you,” which currently grace packs of British fags (sorry, couldn’t help ourselves).

One in six people in England smoke, and the government has been stepping up measures to cut that figure down. But what they, and a bunch of organizations here the U.S., don’t realize, is that people smoke for a variety of reasons. While dying sounds bad and no one wants to walk around looking like that lady with no fingers, there are things that anti-tobacco lobbyists can’t mess with. So dear Britain: we’ve prepared a list of what you’re really going up against. Check out the reasons why cancer-sticks will live forever below…

#7: SMOKING MAKES YOU COOL

Badasses smoke. Gangsters smoke. Pussies don’t. Unfortunately, that’s life. Throwing caution to the wind kind of goes directly in contrast with knowing facts and being aware of one’s surroundings. There are a lot of douchebags who smoke, but guess who their heroes are? You’re going to have to get rid of soldiers, rock and rollers, and hit-men if you want cool smokers taken out of popular culture.

#6: SMOKING HELPS YOU MEET CHICKS

If you’ve ever been to a bar or a club or one of the “no smoking in public places” states, you know that there are always people outside having a cig. It’s a break from all those drinks and the loud music inside. “Oh hey, there’s a hot girl. Oh. She’s going outside to smoke. Maybe I can introduce myself to her while we have a cigarette and then I can grind up on her in the club.” Bang-bang!

#5: SMOKING KEEPS YOU FROM GETTING FAT

You know those people who say, “I’ve gotten a little chubby since I stopped smoking”? Maybe we’re mixing them up with our friends who “used to do a lot of coke,” but cigarettes do actually cut down on your appetite. Just like sucking on the tailpipe of a Camaro or taking a bong hit of fiberglass, all those thousands of chemicals make you feel full, so if you’re a model or want to be one, at least you have a defense when a Truth spokesman spits in your face.

#4: SMOKE BREAKS ARE AWESOME

Say you work a 9 to 5. That’s an eight hour day. Your average smoker takes two breaks at about fifteen minutes each, which is a half hour of not working per day, 2 and a half hours per week. Which is awesome. People don’t like working, and cigarettes are a great way to not work. The math on this one is complete.

#3: SMOKING HELPS YOU PREPARE FOR THE CHINESE TAKEOVER
Remember all those weird sports that were on TV this summer? That, my friends, was the dawn of a new era. Those billions of people are going to take over the world, and guess what their two favorite things are, besides laughing their way to the bank with your money? Pollution and cigarettes. Smokers are going to fit in better and they already got that cough down for when the economic apocalypse hits level 8.

#2: GIRLS WITH SMOKER’S VOICE ARE SEXY

Ladies that reek of smoke suck, but there is something about that raspy, “I’ve been up all night and all day and all night again” voice that really gets us going and makes us kind of hope in a halfway twisted way that some of those ladies keep going at it. A whole CD of Tom Waits cover songs sucks, but without the smoker’s voice it’s unbearable.

#1: CUTTING OFF YEARS OF YOUR LIFE IS A GOOD THING

They say smoking takes years off of your life, but what years? Who wants to live to be 100 anyway? Let death come and kick down the door when you’re 70, nooo problem. Then you can go first and not have to deal with going to all of your friends’ funerals.