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When Marvel Comic Characters Change Races

Over the weekend, comic-book legend and Early-Bird-Special Advantage-Taker-Of Stan Lee addressed casting rumors by saying he’d love for Will Smith to play Captain America in the planned 2011 movie adaptation. “If Barack Obama becomes President,” he said, “who knows…suddenly a lot of our characters will be black!”

Not sure how he figured that leap of logic out, but it did get us thinking: if Captain America was black, that would change his origin story in a bizarre way. Specifically, the Super Soldier program could be seen as some ill Tuskegee Experiment ish, politicizing the story in a whole new way. And if a black Cap fucks your head up, what if other Marvel characters changed races? Let’s examine the possibilities…

BLADE
New Race/Nationality: Puerto Rican
Possible Casting: John Leguizamo
Hilarious Stereotype: Knife-related skills

New Origin Story: Instead of being a whore’s son from 19th-century England, Enrique Brooks was just a juvenile delinquent from San Juan who derived his abilities after being caught in a nuclear test off the coast of Vieques. Though not half-vampire anymore, he does hold a black belt in Puerto Rican judo. Oh, judon’t know?

GAMBIT
New Race/Nationality: Chinese
Possible Casting: Jackie Chan
Hilarious Stereotype: Poker skills

New Origin Story: A childhood spent in the casinos of China’s Macau region gave Remy Li Bo superhuman card-throwing skills, and an early job as a restaurant delivery boy somehow gave him telekinetic abilities. His unexplainable Cajun accent still creeps people out, though.

MAGNETO
New Race/Nationality: Palestinian
Possible Casting: DJ Khaled
Hilarious Stereotype: Freedom fighting, extremist views

New Origin Story: Tariq al En-Shar discovered his abilities on the internet, after he clicked on a mystery link he found on 72coaleyedvirgins.org. Now, he’s issued a fatwa: Death to The Great Non-Mutant Satans! Also, he enjoys needlepoint and maintaining his “Cuddly Critters” stuffed animal collection.

BLACK PANTHER
New Race/Nationality: White
Possible Casting: Christian Bale
Hilarious Stereotype: Impotent rage, walking like there’s a ramrod up his ass

New Origin Story: Reading news accounts of John Walker Lind, the privileged-white-boy-turned-Al-Qaeda-member, made Stanley “T’Challa” Worthington IV realize there was more to live for than golf, sailing, and repressed sexual underperformance—so he turned to a life of vigilante justice. With just a few breaks for squash down at the country club.

SHE-HULK
New Race/Nationality: Dominican
Possible Casting: Dania Ramirez
Hilarious Stereotype: Green eyes, thunder thighs, def body

New Origin Story: A childhood diet of Similac in Washington Heights gave Jennifer Alvarez her curves, and years of dealing with philandering boyfriends gave her highly attuned senses of both rage and jealousy. Trust, you might not want to get her angry, but you’ll love the make-up sex.

ANT MAN
New Race/Nationality: Australian
Possible Casting: Russell Crowe
Hilarious Stereotype: Alcoholism, anger management, wife-beating

New Origin Story: After blacking out in the lab after too many tankards of Foster, Hank Pym wakes up to find that he’s discovered size-altering properties of Pym Particles. Now it’s jumbo shrimp on the barbie for him!

THE SKRULL
New Race/Nationality: Japanese
Possible Casting: The Teriyaki Boyz
Hilarious Stereotype: Endlessly mimicking other cultures

New Origin Story: After 20 years of freakishly emulating rappers, rockabilly musicians, and Jamaicans, the Skrull finally went after the subculture they’d been unable to crack: mutants. Next stop, laying waste to Gwen Stefani’s 2009 tour!