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Ayo! Scott Pokes Shia LaBeouf In His Eagle Eye

Ayo! Scott isn’t some kinda nutty conspiracy theorist fruitcake, but why is it that every conspiratorial thriller Hollywood spits out wastes two hours of his precious time? Could the fat cats in the movie biz be trying to distract Ayo! from his life’s important work—shitting on shitty films and making sweet love to good ones? Just saying, when you’re a big time power broker like Ayo!, you make powerful enemies…Read on to see the review of Eagle Eye and watch the trailer…

Shia LaBeouf’s mildly entertaining new thriller, Eagle Eye, doesn’t deserve a full-on ass-to-mouth deuce chucking, but neither does it deserve Ayo!’s godly long-stroke. In it, LaBeef-a-roni and Michelle Monaghan play a loser copy boy and a single mother who are framed as terrorists, then coerced into carrying out a terrorist plot by a cell that seems to know everything about them and have control over everything from cell phones to stop lights.

Ayo! doesn’t want to give away the big twist, but he will say this: The plot plays out like an orgy in which 1984 reams The Terminator while Stealth eats out I, Robot, which in turn gives Enemy of the State a “Jamaican accordion.” Sounds like reason to go grab some jerk sauce and choke a chicken, but it’s really nothing Ayo! hasn’t seen before (especially the orgy! Thanks, Katie Couric!). Two things Ayo! has seen before that he should have seen in this flick but didn’t are Rosario Dawson’s twos. OK, she’s an Air Force agent, but isn’t that all the more reason to let those big birds fly? And that’s only one symptom of the sexlessness of this film. Ayo! still doesn’t buy the Transformers romance between Megan Fox and average dude LaBouffant, but it’s equally unbelievable that he wouldn’t get something popping with the more modest Monaghan while they run for their lives. Did parties conspire to eliminate all sexual tension from this film? Seriously, that’s a conspiracy theory worth looking into. America, get on the case! Start by checking out the Eagle Eye trailer: