I once heard that Nottingham had a demographically improbable girls to boys ratio and so after a gig in the city wandered round the town centre assuming that women would be staggering about all pie-eyed and knickerless, demented and desperate – like Bethlehem after the slaughter of the innocents – but I went home alone. Now Ashley is marching through the kasbahs and bazaars of the Middle East with tears in his eyes clutching a photo of Michael Owen and offering a bargain.

STEEZ: Erudite, verbose, and a bit loony
READ IF YOU’RE: A West Ham supporter or a general fan of soccer. And even if you’re not, it’s an entertaining read. Stick to blogging, Russell, stay away from MTV award shows.