5 Book Adaptations That Shouldn’t Become Musicals

Okay, so for some reason a company has bought the stage rights to American Psycho and is planning to turn it into an ’80s musical. And we’ll be frank: we don’t understand this AT ALL.

Sure, some movies have worked on Broadway–Legally Blond, Shrek, The Producers–but those are all broad comedies. We’re talking about a movie that was adapted from an actual, no-pictures, BOOK. Two severed thumbs down, American Psycho: The Musical. And in case any of you would-be impresarios are considering adapting other books-that-became-movies into musicals, take our advice and don’t do it. Especially not these five book/movies…

BOOK/MOVIE: Fight Club
ORIGINAL AUTHOR: Chuck Palahniuk
POTENTIAL SONG TITLE: “The White Man’s Durden”
SAMPLE LYRIC: “I’m a bare-knuckle brawler, a pit bull, no lipstick/Inspiring the likes of Ed Norton and Bitch Tits!”

BOOK/MOVIE: There Will Be Blood (from the book Oil!)
ORIGINAL AUTHOR: Upton Sinclair
POTENTIAL SONG TITLE: “Milkshake Jubilee”
SAMPLE LYRIC: “The derricks are gushin’ with that sweet black delight/I’m gonna drink your milkshake from your manly milkshake piiiiiiipe!”

BOOK/MOVIE: Carlito’s Way
ORIGINAL AUTHOR: Edwin Torres
POTENTIAL SONG TITLE: “All the Stitches in the World (Reprise)”
SAMPLE LYRIC: “I did it myyyy way/No, I’m kidding, now I’m done/’Cause Benny Blanco from the Bronx caught me out there with no guuuuun!”

BOOK/MOVIE: Requiem for a Dream
ORIGINAL AUTHOR: Hubert Selby, Jr.
POTENTIAL SONG TITLE: “Super Heroin”
SAMPLE LYRIC: “Crackheads suck dick for a hit, there’s no harm/Why not tag-team a dildo for a needle in my arm?”

BOOK/MOVIE: Naked Lunch
ORIGINAL AUTHOR: William Burroughs
POTENTIAL SONG TITLE:“Everything’s An Anus”
SAMPLE LYRIC: “Maybe it’s the heroin, or just my own fixation/But everything I see looks like it’s meant for defecation!/My typewriter talks and there’s freaks everywhere/Perhaps I should never have made this musical–but who caaaaaares?”