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When Drug Smugglers Get Creative

Yesterday, the U.S. coast guard captured a submarine-like vessel stuffed with seven tons of cocaine. That, my friends, is a lot of blow. Minimum $187 million if you can get it to the street. But that’s the thing—getting it to the street is hard.

Submarines are definitely the new high-roller smuggling devices, but there have been some decidedly more low budget methods used in the past. You hear it all, from jamming it down your food pipe to packing it into dead babies. The cartels are always trying to stay one step ahead, until they get caught, of course, and have to get back to the drawing board. From the funny to the tragic, we’ve compiled some of the most creative tactics used to cross the border…

IN YOUR GIRL’S WIG

Women spare no expense when it comes to their hair. But no trip to the salon could top this one—on Sunday, two women from Jamaica got whacked trying to smuggle 2.3 kg of cocaine up under their hoods, which would have netted about £170,000. Daaaaammmmmn. (c) Jeezy.

RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR GIRLS TITS

We saw that episode of Nip/Tuck where the South American chicks have the heroin breast implants. Has it happened? Yeah. But there is way more smuggling going down just by strapping the stuff right in there on the bra line. My baby went from an A to a C and we just paid for our vacation! Maybe. Truth is, DEA agents can feel up your girl, that’s why they love their job so much.

STRAPPED TO YOUR KIDS

On March 11th, a Mexican woman was arrested attempting to smuggle 20lbs. of cocaine into the UK strapped to her 13 year old and 11 year old children. Play time is over.

VIA GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS

Badges and guns get you around security, or so two U.S. Air Marshalls thought in 2006. Hired in the wake of 9/11, Shawn Nguyen and Burlie Sholar were arrested and convicted of attempting to smuggle 15 kilos of cocaine to Las Vegas from Houston. Bummer. You have a gun and can get on an airplane, great. But have you guys ever heard of a car?

STUFFING PUPPIES

So, we got all these drugs, and we got all these puppies. Fuck paying Maria full of Grace, let’s just put the drugs in the dogs! Wow. In 2005, this actually happened. Ten dogs and a whole lot of heroin equals a lot of pissed off narcs.

UP YOUR NOSE

Smuggling cocaine up your nose is the only tried and true way to get it across borders. Common techniques include putting it up there via lines or by using a key to do “bumps”. This technique is typically used for crossing the border into VIP at a club, but can be used in customs recreationally.