5 Things Hurricane Ike Should Mess With In Texas

Be warned: Hurricane Ike is coming full force and is expected to smack into Texas as a category 4 storm over the next couple of days. To put things in perspective, Katrina hit New Orleans as a category 3. This is serious, and we definitely feel for everyone down there.

It is Texas, though. While we hope that the innocent bystanders stay safe, there are a few things about the state that, if they happened to be whisked away and we never saw them again, it wouldn’t be so bad. So cheer up there, Texans! This storm might destroy all of your earthly posessions, but in doing so, it could also get rid of these things that have been holding your state back…

HUMMER OWNERS

The H3 is like a regular car, but anyone pushing an O.G. Hummer is looking at 8-10 miles per gallon. Thanks for completely effing the rest of the nation, Hummer fans. Texas is known for an absurd amount of Hummer owners, and even their ass-injecting steroid citizen Roger Clemens pushes one that was actually stolen a few years back. The Rocket eventually got it back, and then probably drove it to court where he proceeded to lie his fucking head off to Congress.

COWBOYS FANS

Um… you guys put your faith behind Tony Romo? Jeez. Not only did your dude share a hole with John Mayer, he shits the bed in crunch time. Not to mention your owner has had more facelifts than Jocelyn Wildenstein. If you were fans of just your cheerleaders, we’d keep you from termination. But you’re not, so you gotta go.

SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST

Oy vey. As if Brooklyn wasn’t bad enough, we have to export our skinny jeans, facial hair, shitty emo music and girls that look hot only after some free SoCo down to your hood every spring. No one wants to promote destruction, but if a couple music venues in Austin got whacked and the festival got cancelled, it wouldn’t be the worst. Nah mean?

CHAPS

The amount of times that these things have been awesome is grossly outweighed by the amount of times that they have been completely, inappropriately, not. So Ike, go for it. Take out the Chaps store over there at the end of main street. See if you can’t knock out the distributor as well.

FAT

Just sayin’. You guys are better than this. We hope.