NEWS

Another Kwame Bites the Dust

This morning, after an extended bout of municipal fuckery, Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick pled guilty and stepped down as part of a plea bargain that also includes his resignation, five years of probation, $1 million in restitution, being stripped of his law license and pension, and 120 days in the bing. Yowza. The thing is, he’s not the only Kwame to catch an L. Our society hasn’t been kind to the K, so kontinue on and kommiserate with his konflicted kin…

KWAME KILPATRICK
Track Record: Two terms as mayor of Detroit
Offenses: Charged over $210,000 on his city-issued credit card for travel, meals, and entertainment during his first term; using city-issued cell phones for dirty texting during an extramarital affair with his chief of staff (that’s her in the pic–yikes!); felonious obstruction of justice. We could go on–how much time you got?
Low Point: Being named one of Time’s three worst mayors in America.
Comeback Opportunity: Auditioning for a role in the Wire movie.

KWAME BROWN
Track Record: The first NBA player to be drafted first overall straight out of high school. After that…
Offenses: 7.5 career PPG
Low Point: Stealing some dude’s birthday cake. Seriously.
Comeback Opportunity: He’s on his way to Detroit with a two-year deal—but when you get traded after 15 games by the very team that gave up Pau Gasol for you, things aren’t looking so good.

KWAME THE BOY GENIUS
Track Record: It’s the man we all know and love!
Offenses:

Low Point: Having his entire existence dismissed by Biggie on “Unbelievable”: “Your life is played out like Kwamé and those fuckin’ polka dots.”
Comeback Opportunity: Done and done. He’s now known as producer K-1 Million, who produced Lloyd Banks’s “On Fire” and, uh, Will Smith’s “Switch.” That hits the spot!