NEWS

5 Things to Watch For In The NFL Season Opener

“Yeah John…I think they should go for TWO.”

The New York Giants. The Washington Redskins. Giants Stadium, 7 p.m, NBC. Oh yeah, we’re ready for some muthafuckin’ football! Since 2002, the NFL season opener has kicked off on a Thursday night—in the past we’ve been ambivalent about the midweek start, but this year we’re ecstatic to have a respite from the Republican National Convention. (Of course the Republicans still fucked it up by forcing an early kickoff so the game doesn’t conflict with McCain’s acceptance speech…just pray for overtime!)

Like the Super Bowl, the Thursday night opener has become event television. To prepare you for the festivities, we’ve listed five things below for you to check for during tonight’s game…

#1: BAD PRE-GAME MUSIC

The NFL has enlisted Keith Urban, Usher, and Natasha Bedingfield to perform before the game, meaning its main fan bases are covered—rednecks, blacks, and closeted gays.

#2: ANNOYING GIANTS FANS

Expect loads of camera shots of smug, meathead Giants fans whooping it up in the stands. In the year after a team wins the Super Bowl, their fans go all Yeezy: You can’t tell them nothing. They get NFL bragging rights for a year. They get to wear those fucking lame “Champions” T-shirts. And their team kicks ass in Madden. Live it up while you can, Giants fans. [Ed note: This blog was written by a Redskins-stan]

#3: THE HELMET CATCH

…which leads to the next certainty: You will be seeing this fucking lucky-ass play replayed at some point tonight, and maybe in every Giants game for the entire season. [Ed note #2: Again, this was written by a Redskins-stan]

#4: A JASON CAMPBELL-TO-CHRIS COOLEY TOUCHDOWN

Why do we think this will happen? Well, we watched the Redskins fantasy football draft, and guess who Campbell picked as his TE? CHRIS COOLEY. You better believe JC’s gonna get his boy touches.

#5: ELI MANNING’S RETURN TO EARTH

It wasn’t so long ago—in fact, it was during last season—that Eli was getting booed at Giants Stadium. Sure, he redeemed himself big-time in the SB, but we’ve got the feeling we’ll be seeing the “Eli Manning Face” at least once tonight. The Palin family will undoubtedly be pulling for him, though.

COMPLEX PREDICTION: Redskins - 21 Giants - 13. HAIL! [Ed note #3: see Ed. Notes 1 & 2]