NEWS

How Should Delta Airlines Spend $1 Billion?

Yesterday, it was reported that Delta Airlines has taken out a $1 billion loan in anticipation of of its merger with Northwest Airlines. Delta’s CEO, Ed Bastian, was quoted as saying that the loan is intended to “increase our cash balance as we approach the closing of the merger,” and that the money “was not for any operating need” but rather to ensure “full financial flexibility” to move forward with the Northwest merger.

Bull. Shit. Delta needs a billion dollars because they’re fucking up. They charge too much for nothing and their customer service is going down the drain. There’s a Billi in the bank, so we’ve got a few ideas about how they could put it to good use…

DON’T CHARGE FOR BAGS

People who pack rocks in their bags deserve to get fucked with in the airport, truth. But come on! If we’re coming in under 50 lbs., get off our dick. It’s insulting and a major bummer to get charged at the gate. You know what? Don’t even spend your money on it, just put the charge on the ticket when we book it, and let it go.

GET HOTTER STEWARDESSES

OK, you guys have the Deltalina video. Great start. But where’s the follow up? You tease us with 5 minutes of that and then grandma waits on us while we sit on the tarmac for 3 hours. Do us a favor: go to the international terminal and recruit some of the global ladies. We’ve got to fly to LA for a cover shoot this weekend, so don’t disappoint.

PUT XANAX ON THE CONCESSION CART

You know what doesn’t suck? Being so relaxed that you don’t have a care in the world. Twenty-five dollar checked bags? Ugly, mean flight attendants? Fat person sitting next to me? Oh yes, layyydddy with the cart I’ll have another one of those pilllssszzzz. Can I pay you in frequent flyer miles? Wake me up in Tel Aviv. By the way…you’re the…You know what? I love you.

GET BETTER TV

You’re going up against JetBlue, who invented in flight TV, and Virgin Atlantic, who advertises hookups with hot girls in the seat in front of us via in flight text. You think some secondhand Song video screens are going to keep us sedated? Ha. As far as entertainment, other than sneakers and rap we like two things: girls making out and bad guy gun fights.

MORE LEG ROOM AND FREE DRINKS

Duh. Get on it.