NEWS

Get To Know The Real Denver

Every politician, journalist, hanger-on, celebrity-with-a-cause, and enterprising hooker north of Mexico is descending on Denver this week for the Democratic National Convention, so there’s been no shortage of guides to the Mile High City. But with all the attention being paid to keynote speeches and power lunches, it’s high time someone presented the real dirt on a place best known for oxygen deprivation and an eponymous omelet…

DESTINATION: Bar Standard
SIGNIFICANCE: Once known as The Shelter, this is the nightclub where Broncos cornerback Darrent Williams allegedly got into an argument with some gangbangers before he was shot and killed blocks away. But what’s a little tragedy when you can just rename a place and soothe a city’s frayed nerves with live Afro-Cuban music?

DESTINATION: Your Hotel Room
SIGNIFICANCE: Denver area escort Joy Alexander (yup, that’s really her) is doing outcalls all week!

DESTINATION: The Coachman Apartments
SIGNIFICANCE: Male prostitute Mike Jones—who? Mike Jooooones!—allegedly hosted evangelical pastor Ted Haggard here for many a meth-and-sex session before coming forward and prompting Haggard’s resignation from his megachurch. This is not what we imagined “drippin’ stains” meant.

DESTINATION: Quality Inn Central
SIGNIFIANCE: The worst-reviewed Denver hotel on tripadvisor.com! If you don’t believe us, take these two anecdotes as proof that you should never book a room here, unless you’re immune to hepatitis:

“The hotel was full of truckers, drunks, prostitutes and the homeless.”

“The A/C didn’t work, there were roaches in the room and someone even left a gift for us in the room. The gift left in the room was a pair of bloody boxer underwear and bloody towels.”

DESTINATION: The Burnsley Hotel
SIGNIFICANCE: Two weeks ago, Canadian Saleman Abdirahman Dirie was found dead in Room 408 with a pound of crystallized cyanide—enough to kill hundreds of people. Have fun averting poison attacks from schizophrenics, y’all!