Complex Plays The Obama VP Sweepstakes

Tomorrow, our man B.O. unveils his vice-presidential pick at a rally in Springfield, Illinois. People much, much smarter than us have already narrowed the field to some real politicians–Joe Biden, Tim Kaine, Evan Bayh, and Kathleen Sebelius–and that’s all well and good, but we’re thinking that perhaps Barack needs to think outside the box to shore up support, so we rounded up his best bets for second banana. Pause.

Cassie

Pros: Has no problem playing #2, holla atcha Kim Porter.
Cons: Certain friends of hers might insist on wearing that corny-ass NO BITCHASSNESS t-shirt to state dinners.

Chingo Bling

Pros: Brings in Latinos who were Clinton supporters; white people fucking love saying “Bling.”
Cons: Would dismantle the INS, skullfuck Lou Dobbs.

Jessica Simpson

Pros: Guarantees white working-class voters. Mmmm, crackers.
Cons: Cowboys would truly become America’s Team. No Romo.

Rick Ross

Pros: Known to be strict on law and order; pefect attendance.
Cons: Might not be happy being just the biggest almost-boss that you’ve seen thus far.

MC Serch

Pros: Already familiar with the Oval Office; convinces all the half-racist Jewish grandmothers in Florida who were dicey on voting for a schvartze.
Cons: John Brown as Secretary of Pimpology

And the winner is…
George W. Bush

Pros: Would make any would-be assassins abandon all plans of, well, you know.
Cons: Not in power; easily distracted by big words and shiny things.