NEWS

Hip-Hop’s Most Pointless Products

Yesterday, a mysterious Motorola product called “JayZ Headphones” was approved by the FCC. Absent hyphen notwithstanding, it seems reasonable to assume that said headphones are indeed cosigned by said Jigga.

And we’re not saying that it’s a shitty business decision on par with signing Aztek to Roc La Familia, but we sincerely hope that Hov doesn’t regret this like some of these other rapper-endorsed products we’ve seen in the past…

RAP SNACKS

After a storied history of pumping out the diddyopedopest snax like Dirt McGirt Sour Cream & Onion and Murphy Lee Red Hot Riplets (what the MSG-laden fuck is a riplet?), Lil Romeo bought the line and promptly cut out every non-Romeo rapper except, for reasons we can’t understand, Yung Joc. And if you’ve never tasted a Yung Joc Honey Dew Flavored Cheese Curl…then you’re probably better off, actually.

SON DOOBIE, PORN KING

Before G-Unit, before Lil Jon, before Snoop and his bullshit AVN award, there was Soul Assassins all-star Son Doobie (of Funkdoobiest), merging hip-hop with porn. Of course, there was also the fact that he actually got buck naked and piped broads on film. The funk’s on you!

50 CENT: BLOOD IN THE SAND

Of all the games that didn’t need a sequel featuring a rapper buckin’ fools in the Middle East, 50 Cent Bulletproof might just be number one. Well, no one told Activision—and this November, they’re about to be NERVOOOOUSSSSS!

BIRDMAN LUGZ

Is there a sneaker out there that can outwack the Game Hurricanes? Yes, this one.

VOKAL

From the mind of Nelly—straight to the racks of TJ Maxx! Whether you’re a methadone patient on the go or just a Berlin high-school punk with bad skin, trust Vokal to clothe you in hot shit.

BONUS: ALFONSO RIBEIRO’S BREAKIN’ AND POPPIN’

Is Carlton Banks actually a rapper? Does it really fucking matter?