NEWS

How Shawn Kemp Could Ruin Our Relations With Italy

The Euro may be the future, but Italian basketball scouting is still a decade behind the times. On Sunday, Premiata Montegranaro of the Serie A, Italy’s premier basketball league, announced that it had signed 38-year-old washed up NBA star Shawn Kemp to a contract.

The six-time NBA All-Star was known as “The Reign Man” when he was slamming down ferocious dunks for the Seattle SuperSonics in the ’90s, but these days a more accurate nickname for him is “Heavy Drizzle.” Kemp last played in the NBA in 2002-03 and is most relevant as a cautionary tale of self-destruction. Now he’ll be able to destroy relations between the U.S. and Italy too. Read on to see five ways that he could get it done…

SPREAD HIS SEED

Kemp’s penne with special sauce is a family recipe responsible for (at least) seven kids by six women. The secret ingredient? Not being present to raise the kids. Just wait until some hot-tempered Italian dad finds out his daughter just got boxed out holding Kemp’s eighth seed. Homie Spumoni did less damage to ethnic relations.

GET FAT(TER)

Kemp looks like he’s in great shape now—he’s been desperately busting his fat ass in the gym to get another contract (child support doesn’t pay itself, folks). Of course, gluttony is the American way of life, and there’s absolutely no way he stays in shape once he gets to the endless plate of pasta that is Italy. Our early prediction: By midseason, he’ll lead the league in assisting himself to extra cannolis.

HAVE A DRUG RELAPSE

On second thought, maybe it’s not the best idea to throw a bunch of money at a recovering coke addict… What happens when Kemp gets depressed (yet again) because he’s eaten too much pasta and gotten fat (yet again)? How long before he desecrates the Italian game, drawing a suspension for trying to snort the free throw line?

SCARE OFF ASPIRING BALLERS
While the NBA recently instituted an age limit to keep kids from going pro directly out of high school, European kids go pro in their early teens. After seeing the mess that is Kemp, and learning that he jumped to the league without playing any college ball, Italian ballers will start favoring doctorates over dunks. Grazie, Kemp, accidental advocate for child labor laws!

PAVE THE WAY FOR STEPHON MARBURY
New York Knick headcase Stephon Marbury said he’s going to play in Italy after his NBA contract expired and everyone laughed, but if an Italian team will shell out to bring Kemp’s tired, troubled ass overseas, Starbury can’t be far behind. One question: How do you ask an impressionable intern if they wanna fuck in your truck in Italian?