NEWS

Hollywood’s Craziest Ex-Girlfriends

There’s a lot more to Woody Allen’s new movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona than Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson’s over-hyped lip-lock. Penelope steals the show as Javier Bardem’s completely bonkers ex, who who has a tendency to show her love by stabbing and shooting.

No one can really prepare for the emotional rollercoaster that comes with leaving your lady. But if you’ve seen cautionary tales like Fatal Attraction with Glen Close—the O.G. of crazy-ass G.F.’s—then you might be more prepared when they go balls to the wall. Check out these other psycho exes and watch your back…

LARA FLYNN-BOYLE IN WAYNE’S WORLD

FATAL ATTRACTION FACTOR:

Wayne dubbed her “Psycho Hose Beast,” but Laura Flynn-Boyle’s character Stacey just didn’t know how to take a hint. Sure, the gun rack gift was a little freaky, but after watching her fall through a skylight and ride a bike into a parked car at full speed, it became clear that the only person Stacey was capable of hurting was herself.

DEMI MOORE IN DISCLOSURE

FATAL ATTRACTION FACTOR:

Regardless of what human resources says, everyone fucks their co-workers. But we had to stay away from the company ink for months after watching this corporate thriller where Demi Moore sues her rival executive/ex-boyfriend Michael Douglas for sexual harassment after she seduces him. That’s why we started taping all our sexual encounters. Strictly for legal purposes.

LYNN WHITFIELD IN A THIN LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE

FATAL ATTRACTION FACTOR:

Playboy Martin Lawrence got a wake up call when he started treating Lynn’s character Brandi like any other jump-off. This movie is proof that saying “I love you” to get in those panties will only end with you being half-dead at the bottom of your swimming pool. But Martin had fair warning—when a women confesses that she murdered her last husband, for God’s sake, please believe her.

UMA THURMAN IN MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND

FATAL ATTRACTION FACTOR:

As long as you’re armed with a restraining order and a gun, you should be safe from most ex-encounters. Unless your ex happens to be invincible and can fly. Our advice: just start dating a female super villain. That would be a hell of a cat fight.

CAMERON DIAZ IN VANILLA SKY

FATAL ATTRACTION FACTOR:

The thing about crazy people is that sometimes you don’t realize how crazy they are until you’re careening head-first off of a bridge. Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to Tom Cruise that Cameron’s character was 7:30 as fuck until she purposely staged a car crash, turning him into a permanently deformed monster. Next time take the subway.