NEWS

5 Reasons We Don’t Care About Olympic Swimming

There are some compelling stories in the water at the Beijing Olympics. Freakish swimmer Michael Phelps is setting records and winning gold medals left and right, threatening to break Mark Spitz’s record of seven at a single Olympics. Dara Torres, 41, is old as well-sculpted dirt and she’s still collecting hardware in her fifth Games (her first was 1984).

But despite all the attention swimming is receiving, we’re not still not fully-sold on the sport—and we have our reasons. Check out five valid points on why we don’t give a shit about what’s going on in the pool…

#5 LACK OF FLOTATION DEVICES

You’d think the “breast stroke” would be just bags and bags of fun, but it turns out women’s swimming doesn’t really feature top heavy talent. Broad shoulders and tight pecs, yes. Call us crass, but we think a little greater resistance would be titillating.

#4 WORDS GET WET

The sounds of jeers don’t travel well underwater. What fun is watching races live if a swimmer can’t hear a fan question the sanctity of their mother’s babymaker?

#3 NO SPEEDO LIMIT

Seriously, between the photo shoots and post-race swimsuit stripping, we’ve seen way too many dudes’ glistening lower abdomens (you know, halfway down the Happy Trail). These guys couldn’t race in bubble jackets?

#2 THE GREAT WHITE HOPE

Would somebody please get LeBron a swimsuit? Props to Cullen Jones, who became only the second African-American swimmer to win an Olympic gold medal, but we haven’t seen pools this white since we discovered bukkake.

#1 THE WAXNESS

We’re all for a little waxing now and then, but looking at nothing but completely waxed women makes us feel like pedophiles. Really, it has nothing to do with what’s stored on our hard drive.