NEWS

When Celebs Break Up With Losers

According to The New York Post’s “Page Six,” Olympian and Dallas Mavericks point guard Jason Kidd recently got on a model diet and dropped the few pounds of useless human being that was his girlfriend May Andersen (she’s a model—get it?).

Apparently tabloid coverage of her wild partying with other useless human beings like Lindsay Lohan was distracting him from his quest to win gold in Beijing. (Of course, it could also be that the erratic shooter can’t bury the J from distance and she’s too vacuous to date when all you can do is have conversations with her.) In honor of Kidd crossing his chick up and leaving her behind, check out other noteworthy players who dumped the dead weight to pursue greatness.

50 CENT & VIVICA A. FOX

Fox was one of those hot chicks that Fif had probably fantasized about years before, but by the time they dated he was becoming more famous than she was. In true Fiddy form, he not only ended the relationship, he also publicly ridiculed and humiliated her, ending her rap career.

DEREK JETER & MARIAH CAREY

After breaking up with the singing sensation, rock solid Jeter went on to win several more World Series with the Yankees, homer off every woman you fantasize about, and miss out on Scary Carey’s meltdown. But he’s still out at the plate for running up in Tommy Mottola’s sloppy seconds.

ELLEN DEGENERES & ANNE HECHE

Anne Heche is no Portia de Rossi. Plus she’s got mad issues. Besides the fact that her crazy ass looks more and more like the aliens she says her alter ego “Celestia” communicates with, she’s such a “lesbian” that she married a dude after Ellen sacked her.

JAY-Z & AMIL

Jay-Z used to wonder why the Roc Dynasty never took off, with Beanie Sigel’s sex appeal and Memphis Bleek’s undeniable star power. Then it finally dawned on him that his clique might be weighed down by Amil’s cock and balls.

BILLY CRUDUP & MARY-LOUISE PARKER

Sure, MLP is hot and successful—arguably hotter and more successful than Claire Danes, who Crudup left her for. Still, when your longtime boo gets pregnant, she’s officially holding you back. Really, pregnant women move pretty slowly.

DEMOCRATS & SEN. JOE LIEBERMAN

A onetime Dem, Lieberman came out of pocket when he lost his party’s primary in Connecticut and re-entered the race as an independent, then endorsed Republican Sen. John McCain for president. It’s not official yet, but should the Dems gain a wider majority in the Senate, they’re so gonna donkey punch that bitch.

LANCE ARMSTRONG & SHERYL CROW

Armstrong has long been able to cycle away from serious issues. First it was steroids, and then he totally dipped on Crow just in time to avoid having to console her when she got breast cancer. Pretty ballsy for a survivor of testy cancer.

CHARLIE SHEEN & DENISE RICHARDS

It was only after years of marriage and two kids that Sheen, a card-carrying member of Hollywood branch of the KKK (they allow part Latinos), realized his lily white queen Richards was actually a “f**king n****r.”

HOLLYWOOD & LINDSAY LOHAN

Hollywood had fun with LL. It danced on a table with her, did some coke off her ta-tas, and helped wax her p for some paparazzi shots. But then Hollywood woke up one afternoon and realized her face was looking like a vintage leather clutch and the only thing she could act was retarded. Plus Hollywood realized it was gay. And so was Lindsay.