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Porn Star Rap Battle: Tera Patrick Vs. Jenna Jameson

Long story short: in an interview last week, Tera Patrick talked kinda greasy about Jenna Jameson. Not a full-on insult, just a little sideways chatter. “There’s a lot more things I’ve done than Jenna. I wouldn’t say she has a mainstream presence….She has more of a porn look.”

So of course we thought, What if the two porn queens took it to the vocal booth? Both are known for outstanding oral work, so it stands to reason that a rap battle between the two would be an instant classic. So obviously we had to come up with lyrics for this hypothetical battle—check out the verses below then vote on who has the better spit-game…

Jenna’s Verse:

Bad look in BlackBook, talking so yeasty
I’ll wipe my bleached asshole with some T.P.
You can’t see me, Queen of Porn, Jenna Jameson
Your last feature had you billed as “that nameless cunt”
I’m such a success, I stopped filming fuck flicks
The only mainstream you know comes out a sucked dick
“Former Ford model” is code for “rusty clunker”
Used-ass ride every dude been in the trunk of
True, you used to be fly, now you look beat up
Lost weight, lost tits, got the DD-cup re-up
Say you natural but that’s some bull
We see the Spalding logos on those basketballs
Scary-ass tranny, at least you’re a great actress
Who could forget Soul Plane and all those other classics?
Oscar-worthy player, always real and raw
So believable in Tara Patrick AKA Filthy Whore
Your acting career stops at the casting couch
And pretending that you love doing ass to mouth
While you shag your spouse, way to get about something
But Evan’s Seinfeld—his dick’s about nothing
And nowadays, you only make him semi-hard
He saw better ass in the Oswald prison yard
And he’s the only one willing to knock it
Cause you fucked Biohazard and now the pussy’s toxic
And you only get more ink than me
When Evan’s fucking you while he thinks of me
What’s an FHM? I’ve never heard of it
I’ve been on Family Guy, all my work’s legit
And I did Vice City. You? The 2nd Saint’s Row
My POV, you’re bottom bitch from every angle
I’m shitting down your throat like a dump truck
Call it “2 girls, 1 cup,” one star, one slut

Tera’s Verse:

I’m the Queen of the Valley, ma, I’m runnin’ Saints Row
I ride high, you hang low, so I’ma let the brains blow
I got brains, you just blow–takin’ shots? Hi, hater!
All you take is more D’s than a vibrator
I’m queen imperial of spank bank material,
I heard you’re pregnant–gonna name the kid Venereal?
Eggs must be scrambled from the gallons of sperm
You better stay doin’ them Kegels just to carry to term
I lox it down like bagels, make dudes cream for the cheese
You half-man like Sable, lookin’ mean and diseased
Can’t do numbers no more–you just old, washed up,
Ass-out like “2 Girls, 1 Cup”–YUP!
So sad you’re so saggy, vulva look like Richard Nixon
Call you Ticonderoga ’cause you had so many dicks-in
So now you on blast like bukkake, you can’t stop me,
Baby daddy’s the albino retarded version of Rocky
He ain’t Sly, you ain’t slick–no ass, no hips,
Steady lookin’ like a drag queen with them fake-ass lips
And those beach-ball twos ain’t doing nothing for your image
Irrelevant in this business, you the porn Dennis Kucinich
The last time that you was hot was back in 1995,
The little man in the boat, he musta shriveled up and died
So now it’s crossover appeal you goin’ after, please stop it
You look like a canned ham when you hit the red carpets
Trying to take a shot at fame, but Fame be takin’ shots at you
And he brought Billy Danz too–all aboard, choo choo!
Zombie strippers? Listen up: you are not an actor, hon,
I tried to read your book but got the clap by Chapter One
Penicillin did the trick, my pen is illin’ on you, trick
The only way you gainin’ weight is penis fillin’ up your shit
Anorexic-ass heffa, fall back like a recliner
Or TP goes T3 and Schwarzeneggers your vagina…

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