NEWS

New Olympic Sports We Want To See

So yeah, you might have heard: The Summer Olympics started in Beijing today. That sound you hear is our collective disinterest in the entire spectacle. We mean, outside of Women’s Gymnastics. It’s a great chance to watch flexible, limber teens in action without having the feds seize your laptop.

What would make the Olympics better? We’ve got some ideas for new Olympic sports that would undoubtedly keep us entertained. Considering that they added BMX (effing yawnfest if you ask us) as an Olympic sport this year, our suggestions don’t seem that far-fetched. Some of them anyway. Check out our Olympic sport proposals below…

1. SLAPPING

Slap contests are the fucking best. Who wouldn’t watch a slap contest? We think China might be the favorite here—long pinky fingernails, son.

2. HACKY SACKING

They call it “footbag,” but a better name would be “douchebag.” Still, there’s something entertaining about watching a bunch of pimple-faced dorks kicking a crocheted scrotum back and forth. This event has to be held in a high school parking lot.

3. BLUNT-ROLLING

Judged on speed, shape, and overall smokeability. Just imagine the drama when our Brooklyn-bred competitor tests his skills against a skinny Dutch kid in the gold medal showdown.

4. SCRABBLE

Yeah, not that exciting, but we want Scrabble in the Olympics just so there’d be an event we might have a chance in. That’s right, come and test us. That’s Abe Lincoln up there by the way.

5. TEAM SPLOOGING

Japan probably thinks it’ll win, having invented bukkake and all. But just take a look at our team captain up there. WE GOT THIS.