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How To Make Anne Hathaway Less Lame

Make no mistake: Anne Hathaway is a damn fine woman. Every time we see those classic features, red lips and porcelain skin, we get the sudden urge to make a baby and retire to Cape Cod. But damn, does she have to make so many terrible movies? If she puts out one more Disney flick, sappy rom-com or boring British period piece, we’re giving up.

With the exception of her straight-to-DVD epic Havoc—where she plays a rich girl who gets naked and engages in group sex with some Mexican gang-bangers (pun intended)—Anne has never made a single movie worth watching as far as we’re concerned. We’re reserving judgment until we see Get Smart (check back tomorrow for Ayo! Scott’s official review), but the recent rumors that she has broken up with her douche-bag Italian boyfriend Raffaello Follieri give us hope that she’s turning over a new leaf. After the jump, we reevaluate Anne’s career and suggest some movie roles she should have taken instead.

2001
Movie She Made: The Princess Diaries
Movie She Should Have Made: Ghost World
Granted, this Disney movie—where she plays a regular teen who becomes royalty—made her into a serious star with the tween crowd, but it forever marked her as a prissy, flavorless loser. The big screen adaptation of Ghost World was a great movie, and it also happened to make another unknown actress named Scarlett Johansson into a star. Advantage Scar-Jo.

2002
Movie She Made: Nicholas Nickleby
Movie She Should Have Made: Drumline
This Charles Dickens novel has been made into a movie no less than 10 times, and we hated all of them (especially the silent version from 1903). Instead of rehashing this tired plot, we would have liked to see Anne reach out to the “urban” (see: black people) audience by taking the female lead in this Nick Cannon vehicle. Zoe Saldana was dope, but something about seeing Anne Hathaway as a cheerleader at an HBCU would have been a trip.

2004
Movie She Made: Ella Enchanted
Movie She Should Have Made: Mean Girls
Needless to say, starring in a Cinderella knock-off didn’t do very much to broaden Anne’s prissy Princess Diaries image. If she wanted to stick to doing teen movies, she could have at least chosen a decent one like Mean Girls, which was actually damn funny and made stars out of both Lindsay Lohan and writer Tina Fey. Instead she made Ella Enchanted and Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement in the same year. All time low.

2006
Movie She Made: The Devil Wears Prada
Movie She Should Have Made: Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction
After making a trashy sexploitation flick like Havoc in 2005, Anne tried to re-legitimize herself with Hollywood favorites like Brokeback Mountain and The Devil Wears Prada. But we would have preferred to see her take the nudity one step further in the sequel to Basic Instinct, where she could have easily played the lead role as a diabolical writer/sex kitten. Besides, nobody wants to see Sharon Stone’s wrinkly old cooch anyway.

2007
Movie She Made: Becoming Jane
Movie She Should Have Made: Knocked Up
Before they cast Katherine Heigl, Anne was actually the original female lead in this modern day comedy classic from Judd Apatow. According to reports, she dropped out of the movie because she did not want to show her vagina during the hospital scene, even though they were going to cut to footage of some random woman giving birth. Instead, she decided to star in a biopic about British writer Jane Austen. That pretty much sums it up.

2009
Movie She’s Making: Bride Wars
Movie She Should Be Making: Havoc 2: Back To The Barrio
Let’s see…a rom-com with Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway where they play best friends who plan their weddings on the same day…No, that’s simply not going to work for us. We would like to suggest that she revisit her best movie, except this time, she becomes the leader of an East L.A. gang called “Las Flaquitas” who use their sexual prowess to control the city’s drug trade. You’re welcome.