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Captain Knick: Pucking You Tonight

These two storied franchises played specifically to convert Captain Knick into a hockey fan.

Like most Americans, I need hockey in my life the way I need genital warts. The last time I was genuinely into the ice beast’s sport of choice, I was trying to start fistfights on Nintendo’s Blades of Steel. Still, from the few games I saw as a kid, I remembered it being entertaining live, so when the NHL invited Complex staffers to watch the New York Rangers host the Pittsburgh Penguins at MSG on Monday night, I got down. (It’s not like there were any exciting Knicks games to watch.) Here’s what I learned:

1. If you miss the good old days when stadium speakers blared nothing but rock music and you had to scour the crowd for at least 35 minutes to find a non-white person, hockey is for you. I hadn’t seen that much white since…(wait, it’s coming)…my last visit to bigbosombukakke.cz!

The NHL is all-white by us!

2. Hockey fights are awesome (and I will punch you in the face if you say otherwise). Not only do refs let players fight, they let them throw down until somebody gets knocked off their feet. Every sport should have the possibility of a golden boy like Pittsburgh’s Sidney Crosby getting his snotbox rocked. Sadly, nobody obliged us on that one.

Really, don’t all millionaire athletes deserve a punch in the face?

3. Poor acoustics are not to blame for the silence at Knick’s games. I was legitimately startled when the crowd exploded for an early fight and a Rangers goal. I thought maybe we’d found Osama until I realized this is what fans do when their team doesn’t lick sweaty donkey taint. Good to know Osama’s still out there, too.

MSG: Where napping happens.

4. The NHL really is the bastard stepchild of pro sports leagues in America. I tried to put team names to all the logos on the back of the NHL’s info pack but couldn’t. The Nashville Predators? The Columbus Blue Jackets? Surriously. Surriously. If steroids make your balls shrink, what can a league take to contract like 10 inexplicable expansion teams?

Who could ever forget these historic franchises? You know, whatchamacallit and them.

5. The game was legitimately exciting and fun. Fighting to keep their playoff spot, the Rangers won 2-1 on a power play goal in OT. I still don’t know that a mid season Predators-Blue Jackets game could hold my attention, but at least now I can stop equating NHL hockey to genital warts.