NEWS

Worst Is First

For several weeks, a Knick playoff run has existed only in the dream state where tiny Nate Robinson doesn’t have to climb a stepladder to get dome. The only thing left to play for now is the NBA’s worst record and the number one draft pick, presumably Michael “Beastly” Beasley—though Captain Knick wouldn’t put it past the organization to draft Frederic Weis again . Finally, losing every game is a good thing, and of course New York can’t even do that right. Wednesday night, the Knicks (19-46) tried to lose to the last place Miami Heat (11-52) and got schooled on what it really means to be committed to losing. Peep game, New York.

Mysterious Injuries to Starters
Knicks: Irrelevant “All-Star” Eddy Curry is out indefinitely with a tear on his knee, which, it turns out, is located between his labia.
Heat: Actual All-Star Dwyane Wade is out for the season with what team doctors are calling a “strained commercial shooting schedule.”

Unusually Suspect Lineups
Knicks: Isaiah Thomas is starting unproven rookies because, hey, they deserve a shot at one day getting overpaid by the Knicks.
Heat: Pat Riley is filling out their injury-depleted roster with elderly Miamians whose “nasty dribble” comes from incontinence.

Absentee Coaching
Knicks: To avoid coaching, Thomas has repeatedly told refs their calls “make him wet” so they’d eject him (and maybe meet for drinks after the game).
Heat: Riley isn’t even showing up to his team’s games, jetting off on draft preparation “scouting trips,” well oiled in his leopard-print thong.