NEWS

Two NFL Games To Watch And One To Ridicule

THE A GAME
San Diego @ New England
Shawn Merriman can do his Lights Out dance all he wants. Tom Brady dumps the mother of his child for a supermodel and wears a Yankees cap around Boston. The dude doesn’t rattle. Throw in Bill Belichick’s videogate cheating scandal. Then add the fact that head coach Norv Turner’s predecessor Marty Schottenheimer got canned by the Bolts last season despite having the best record in the NFL and you’ve got the more drama than Michael Vick’s got dead dogs buried in his yard. Oh yeah, did we mention LaDainian Tomlinson?

SLEEPER TO WATCH
Minnesota @ Detroit
Not since the firing of Wayne Fontes, the trading of Joey Harrington, or the death of Ronald Reagan has there been this much excitement in Detroit. No team, not even the Cardinals, has been more apathetic, pathetic and just plain unlucky (I mean who actually gets busted during a late night naked Wendy’s run?), yet they’re 1-0 and tied for 1st place in the NFC Central with the Vikings. The Wayne County Volunteer Fire Department’s already on high alert in case the Lions—gasp—start 2-0.

WORSE THAN WATERBOARDING
Atlanta @ Jacksonville
Things are so bad for the Falcons that the Dirty Bird has packed his bags and moved to the San Fernando Valley to direct porn. Mike Vick is busy fending off the Feds, his former backup Matt Schaub is flinging it for the Texans leaving the Falcons with the bridesmaid of NFL quarterbacks, Joey Harrington at the helm. The Jags released Byron Leftwich but have more than enough firepower in David Garrard, Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew to get the job done. Watch only if you’re curious to find out how badly Joey Harrington’s shitfinger can stain the game of pro football.