So you’ve got some great gallery opening or party on your calendar. You’ve rounded up your galloping posse of fellow art devils, and practiced all the great jokes you’re going to make in reference to that Situationist manifesto you just finished reading. You’re ready to go!

But wait: you’re naked! (Or nude, depending upon whether you take your Kenneth Clark naughty or nice.)

Getting dressed for an art event presents a particular challenge. Wear your normals and everyone will assume you’re nobody or own everything, neither of which, I assure you, you would like to answer for. But get ‘too dressed’ and you veer quickly into Halloween territory: “You’re practically WEARING the art!” you find some weird old ponytailed man telling you after he’s had one too many glasses of horrible art gallery wine. You don’t want to wear the art. You want to look at it. And maybe touch it when no one’s looking, because you adore transgression!

Ahead, allow me to demonstrate how an outfit can lend you savoir-faire at any art event you can imagine. 

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