That’s easy: John Lennon’s “Mother.” Especially if the stripper dancing has a C-section scar.

The only things in my cabinet are ADVIL AND VIAGRA, in a two-to-one ratio. Why Viagra? All my equipment works fine, but I always do whatever I can to overperform. Why Advil? ’Cause the blood rushes to both heads, and it can cause a headache. If that’s embarrassing, then I’m guilty as charged.

The first day of spring break, junior year of high school, I ate a huge bag of mushrooms, smoked hash, then went to see The Doors movie. I’m tripping balls and chewing on a straw until one of my front teeth-a replacement I’d gotten after a fight in grade school-popped out. I couldn’t get an appointment to have it fixed right away, so for the rest of spring break I had to go to clubs rocking the brown-butter nub. That sucked.

They could ask for whatever they want, but they wouldn’t get shit. Between the banks, my wife, and my business partner, I’m so overinsured that I’M WORTH MORE TO THOSE CLOSE TO ME DEAD THAN I AM ALIVE. All that the kidnappers might get is a thank you note and an address to send my body.