When the Bill Clinton–Monica Lewinsky scandal was going down, I went to a wild party and saw a girl dressed like Monica Lewinsky with the blue dress on, and she had Elmer’s Glue sprayed all over her. Having fake DNA all over you is pretty slutty—and hilarious.

Older women are more experienced; they know what they want. I lost my virginity to a girl who was much older than me. I mean, I was violated. She knew what she wanted. And I was happy to give it to her. Again and again and again. Hey, I’d been waiting 16 years.

My special move would be called “The Executive.” I’d be like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, barely paying attention to the girl, checking my BlackBerry, giving it to her real arrogant style. And that’s just the prelude to the “Power Lunch.”

Two girls, one cup. Nah, just kidding. Two girls, one champagne flute.

Now I think twice before buying a $750, 000 baseball and offering to launch it into outer space. I’ll still buy it, but I’ll think twice.