Seagal plays Mason Storm, a cop that comes out of a coma for two reasons: to whoop some ass and go balls deep on Kelly LeBrock. There’s no way to figure out where he got his hand-to-hand training but, after he does some holistic shit with some Chinese herbs, mission fucking accomplished. Since then Seagal has contracted a scorching case of white man’s bloat. But that has not gotten in the way of him wearing flowing gowns, putting out albums of acoustic blues guitar or patrolling the post-Katrina streets of New Orleans with a SWAT team. We shit you not.