I can’t lie—the Jack of All Trades’s “happy hands” have gotten him into trouble a couple of times in the past (it turns out “restraining order” doesn’t mean telling your passengers to buckle up). But that was then, this is now, and today I’m going to give a massage to a real-life, consenting girl. And to do that, I’m going to have to get within 50 feet of her...so take that, Judge Rizzo!

HAPPENING BEGINNING SLIPPERY STUFF GETTING A LEG UP THROWIN’ ’BOWS ALL THUMBS CHOP SHOP