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1) YOU DRIVE TO WORK, BUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT CARPOOLING. WHAT DO YOU DO?
A) Give my nearest coworkers a ride, even though one of them smells like patchouli.
B) Offer Memph Bleek $20 and a Quiznos coupon to sit shotgun so I can go 90 in the HOV lane. He seems real comfortable there.
C) Retrofit my car to run on vegetable oil, and use the leftovers to masturbate to thoughts of Ed Begley, Jr.
D) Club some baby seals and throw ’em in the trunk. That counts, right?
2) YOU’VE FINISHED YOUR STORE-BOUGHT BOTTLE OF WATER. WHAT DO YOU DO?
A) Refill it once, then recycle it-bacteria colonize those things quicker than 19th-century England. Holla atcha Rudyard Kipling!
B) Buy another! Poland Springs eternal, man. Plastic is like Doritos-we can always grow more.
C) I only use a Nalgene bottle plastered with “Mean People Suck” stickers. But washing wastes water, so the thing’s got so much moss that my mouth looks like Kermit’s unshaved taint.
D) Fill it with gasoline and a rag, light it, and throw it at a baby seal. Little assholes.
3) WHEN DID YOU FIRST BECOME AWARE OF GLOBAL WARMING?
A) I knew about it, but I didn’t know how drastic it was until I saw An Inconvenient Truth.
B) When I went on a sex tour in Katmandu and realized that vaginal temperature is directly proportional to latitude.
C) When I protested at the first Kyoto Protocol ratification with my “37 Months Too Late!” sign.
D) When I went on a sex tour in Antarctica and found nothing but dead baby seals.
4) HOW DO YOU DEFINE “CARBON FOOTPRINT?”
A) “The total amount of greenhouse gases produced to support a given activity.” Duh.
B) My high score playing Need for Speed. Challenge me online at ThundarGod69!
C) The 19 metric tons of CO that I vow on extracting from every human being in the name of Mama Gaea.
D) The evidence left behind when I give a baby seal a Cleveland Steamer. You know, when I drop a hot one on its chest.
5) WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE IN THE MORNING, HOW DO YOU CONSERVE ENERGY?
A) Turn off all the lights and unplug the computer and TV-they draw power even when they’re turned off!
B) Rig the booby traps. High-powered grow lights have given me a bumper crop of White Widow, and NO ONE’s poaching my shit.
C) Leave the house? Do you know how much energy that uses? I’d rather just sit in the dark and cry while I wait for the polar ice caps to melt.
D) Disconnect all the phones, so the baby seals can’t chew themselves loose and dial 911
6) WHAT DO YOU COMMONLY RECYCLE?
A) Paper, plastic, and glass-unfortunately that’s all my city supports.
B) Jumpoffs, porn, and bong resin.
C) Paper, plastic, glass, shoes, dental floss, my condescending sneer, toilet paper, Q-tips, and condoms.
D) I turn baby-seal pelts into merkins.All the other parts get stuffed into an envelope and sent to my ex-girlfriends.
7) WIFEY ASKS FOR A CHINCHILLA WRAP FOR HER BIRTHDAY. YOUR RESPONSE IS:
A) “Sorry, baby, but I can’t condone killing an animal just so you can have something that looks pretty.”
B) “Nothing’s too good for you-how about a full-length coat?”
C) “The only fur you should be wearing, goddess, is on your velvety drapes of pleasure.”
D) “Chinchilla? How about a BABY SEAL PANTSUIT?!”
8) WHAT’S ON YOUR GROCERY LIST?
A) Natural ingredients only: vegetables, fruits, grains, and humanely raised free-range meats.
B) Hungry-Man frozen dinners only. Fuck a baby carrot.
C) Nothing that has to be cooked over 118 degrees-that destroys the food’s health-giving enzymes. Good thing I orgasm at the thought of mung beans.
D) Grocery stores are for pussies. I’d rather club my dinner fresh, nahmean? You know-club a BABY SEAL.
9) BATHROOM WATER CONSERVATION IS A HOT-BUTTON TOPIC. WHAT'S YOUR TOILET MANTRA?
A) If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.
B) 2 Girls, 1 Bowl, homie!
C) Flush?! I crank dat urine into glass jars that I store in my attic. Howard Huuuuughes!
D) I hate those high-efficiency models. They clog too easily, especially when faced with a shit-stained baby seal.


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