HOW TO CLOSE THE DEAL

If you’ve successfully emulated the “Mr. Big” prototype, then you may run into the added complication of having to wait for sex because she thinks you might be “the one.” The best way to speed this up is to prey on her insecurity so she feels as if she must act now or risk losing her shot. This is achieved by subtly making it clear that she is in competition with women that are better than her. Tell her you’re going to Paris in the morning to meet with the head of a modeling agency who always makes you party too hard. Tell her your ex-wife is in town to accept a Nobel Prize (roll with it) and she wants to celebrate with you on her yacht in the East River. She will believe such outlandish tales because she wants to believe that a continental man like you would be interested in a Midwestern poseur like her.

BONUS TIP: Once you become a part of her life, you will almost certainly become the subject of her shitty, naval-gazing blog. She thinks that you will be too busy to surf the internet, but little does she know that you spend all day reading Nah Right anyway. Use her blog to get more insight into her hilariously predictable thought process.

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