WHERE TO BUY THE GIFT:

realdoll.com

COMMENT TO AVOID:
“And then [FRIEND’S NAME] said, ‘Shotgun anus!’”

SONGS NOT TO REQUEST:
“It Ain’t No Fun,” Snoop Dogg

STAY AWAY FROM:
Feeding the groom cake

STOP DRINKING WHEN:
You propose a toast to “the best fuck bu—I mean, fuckin’ buddy ever!”