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Complex Weddings 101
Spastic dancing, anonymous sex, projectile vomiting—no, it’s not the “grown ups” table at Jayden and Sean Spears’ birthday party, it’s wedding season! Follow the COMPLEX WEDDING GUIDE and act the fool with impunity all summer..
TOASTMASTER 3000
You don’t have to be the best man to be the BEST MAN AT the wedding. Follow our five easy steps And be the toast of the party.
GET THE ROOM’S ATTENTION
You can clink your fork on your glass. You can clink your dick on your glass. Or you can simply yell, “YAHHH TRICK, YAHHH!” We suggest the last option.
BE SUCCINCT
Why use a long-winded phrase like “GOLD-DIGGING JEZEBEL WHO WILL CASTRATE YOU WITHOUT BATTING AN EYE TO ENJOY AN EASIER LIFE” when “RESOURCEFUL” will do fine?
START WITH A QUOTE
JOSEPH BARTH said that marriage is “our last, best chance to grow up.” But perhaps LIL WAYNE said it better: “Every nigga fuck they main girl in the ass.”
TELL A FUN STORY ABOUT THE COUPLE
You can talk about when the groom fell in love, or you could recount the time in Acapulco that the bride shouted “SHOTGUN ANUS.” Take your pick, but the choice seems obvious.
OFFER PARTING WORDS OF WISDOM
“May your love abide even as an enlarged prostate renders him impotent and her vagina becomes a SLACK, YAWNING CHASM.” They did say for better or for worse. right?
Wedding Smashers
Forget eye-fucking, sob stories, and playing cute with the kids. ACT and pack right, AND MORE THAN ONE girl can catch the bou-KA-quet-quet…(splash!).
