Five contradictions from the mind of the sitcom dad-turned-foulmouthed comic.

As told to Justin Monroe I don't want my 14-year-old daughter to see the dirty stuff I do like The Aristocrats... But I think my stand-up is still pretty light and fluffy. I'm just talking about my dick and things I can do with it, and things that people can do with theirs.

When I saw the pilot episodeof America's Funniest Home Videos, I just couldn't believe how funny it was... But after a while, I think, everybody looks a gift horse in the mouth. I wanted to ad-lib more. And you can only watch so many nut-hits.

I once "played" with a three-foot-tall Michelle doll in the Full House bedroom set. One of the moms came down and said, "Bob, the kids are watching this on the monitor." It was hilarious to me... But I'm not proud of it. I thought the kids were upstairs in school. I kinda feel bad about that.

I represent family for some people so I get this young demo... But strippers come over to me and they're like, "Oh my God! You were my dad growing up!" I'm like, Oh God in heaven. None of the girls who are strippers have father issues.

People say that it's a mistake to release The Farce  of the Penguins directly to DVD... Where else does a movie go if it has lots of stars cursing and stock footage of penguins fucking?
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