The stoner comedian breaks down how he’d spend his final day

WITH 24 HOURS LEFT ON EARTH, I’D MAKE AMENDS WITH... Cheech. When we broke up, there was a lot of hard feelings because I was such an egomaniac. I would say, “I’m sorry for making you so rich and if I had the chance, I would do it all over again.”

I’D SEEK REVENGE ON... First and foremost, John Ashcroft, because he put me in jail for selling bongs. I’d tell him to go fuck himself, but I would do it on his terms and forgive him like a good Christian, which would freak him out. I’d probably hug him. Then I’d have a few words for Lou Adler, who took all the proceeds from Up In Smoke. But then again, I’d probably forgive him too, and just let him apologize to me.

ON MY FINAL DAY... I’d wake up and meditate. Then I’d read for a while and go out with my wife for a cup of coffee—a big fat latte with whole milk, none of that non–fat business. Then I’d go to World Gym and say goodbye to my buddies. I’ve been working out for 50 years, it’s what kept me going. I always said, If you’re gonna party, you’ve got to be in good shape. My friend Zable, also known as The Chief, works out there and I’d give him a hug. He’s over 80 and a WWII vet who still gets high every day. Then I’d find a nice place to watch the sunset. I started doing that in jail, I watched every sunset for three months. Then I’d go home and get ready to go tango dancing. I’d put on my black Yohji suit and my patent black dancing shoes and hit the town. We’d stop at a salsa club to warm up and then go tango until 3 a.m. Then we’d stop at Denny’s for a toasted tuna–salad sandwich. We’d get home and I’d make love to my wife until it was time to go.

AT MY FUNERAL... I would be cremated, then I would have some of my ashes scattered in various grow rooms. That way, I could go back into the plant from whence I came. The rest I would have scattered in Kyoto and Beijing in various gardens and some in Dublin and Glasgow. I’m a real mix of cultures so I would want part of me to be in all of them. At my memorial, all comedians would be banned from the area—I don’t want anyone grabbing the spotlight. I’d have my friend Bobby Taylor sing with the Temptations and they would do “People Get Ready” by the Impressions, and then Branford and Wynton Marsalis would play.

I’D LEAVE MY EARTHLY POSSESSIONS TO... My kids, except for my collection of Chinese opium scales and pipes. Those would go to the Smithsonian. The cops took all my bongs when I got busted and there’s not much else I care about.

HEAVEN WOULD BE... An endless tango with a stream of beautiful dancers. You don’t need breasts in heaven, so you would just dance and each dance would be different. And there’d be great sunsets. And eventually my wife would get there and we’d just dance.

MY EPITAPH WOULD READ... Tommy Chong: He Stayed True To The Bud.

After serving nine months in a California prison for selling weed paraphernalia on the Internet, Tommy Chong is now working on a script for a Cheech and Chong reunion movie. Home // CELEBRITIES // MY COMPLEX // Tommy Chong