NICK SWARDSON

The stand-up comic, writer, and actor delivers four rules for keeping the laughs coming.

As told to Mary H.K. Choi

1. Beware of groupies.

Once a female reporter came to interview me and tried to fuck me. She was like, “Please don’t tell my editor.” Then, she came to my show and had a crying meltdown. She got trashed and was like, “Let me blow you in the car.” And then she offered to blow all my friends. It was insane. Eventually I found out she wasn’t even really press.

2. Stay true to your humor.

When you’re a kid, farting is really funny. But it’s easy to get into observational comedy, then Saturday Night Live, and then, like, Woody Allen. And soon you’ve totally turned your back on farting. But when you return to farting—and you will return—farting will embrace you with open arms and hold nothing against you. So be good to farting.

3. Trust your friends.

I love working with Adam Sandler. He’s extremely honest. When he says he loves something, it means it’s good. He’d never say that if it was a piece of shit, so I trust him. Literally, if Sandler was like, “Nick, your mom is an alien,” I’d be like, “You fucking alien bitch, all this time you lied to me!”

4. Enjoy the silence.

I’m always thinking about how to create an uncomfortable silence. When I was growing up and was at a girlfriend’s family’s house, I always thought it’d be funny if I was just eating and then held my fist up and said, “Here comes the monkey,” and punched the dad in the balls as hard as I could. Just thinking about it would make me laugh to the point where I’d have to leave the dinner table.

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