The host of The Soup and star of the new NBC sitcom Community and black comedy The Informant! speaks on matrimony and marine phobias.

As Told To Jack Erwin; Photography by Jeaneen Lund MARRY UP.
Try to marry someone who you don’t think would ever want to spend time with you. When I got to L.A., I got a job as a caddy at Wilshire Country Club. Then I worked at a wine shop. All I had to say was, “Tobacco, dark fruits, notes of cherry, hints of blackberry…” I just said that over and over again. Thank God my wife actually has skills and went to work as a graphic designer. She was the person that saved me.

BRING A BOOK AND ACT LIKE YOU WANT TO BE THERE.
I started doing commercials and figured, “I’ll be the best commercial actor ever.” Commercial auditions are notorious for making you wait, and I noticed a lot of the guys going into them were pissed by the time they got in—but if you go into an audition mad, then you’re lost. So I always made sure that I went in there like, “Hey, I’m happy to be here, I don’t care how long I waited. I’ve had a good time. And I brought a book.”

DON’T PULL YOUR PUNCHES.
I don’t feel bad about anything I’ve said on The Soup—if you’re Tyra Banks and you’re afraid of dolphins, we’re gonna make fun of that. If I end up working with those people and they’re mad, then I would say, “Why did you try to run your assistant down in your SUV?” If I was careful going through the jokes, it’s not gonna be funny. Plus, we’re on basic cable and nobody watches.

LAY LOW.
I have a wife and two kids, so that keeps me out of trouble, but in order for celebrities to stay off The Soup, they shouldn’t shoot anyone and they shouldn’t drink two bottles of Jack Daniel’s and get on the road. But that’s pretty much for everybody. Although if I woke up afraid of dolphins I’d be like, “Holy crap, it’s happened to me! I understand Tyra now!”

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