André Woodson

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RESUMÉ Stupid NCAA numbers
IN 2008 NFL rookie sleeper

How has the Kentucky QB eluded the hype? His 2006 stats (270.4 passing yards per game and 31 TDs) were better than JaMarcus Russell's, and this season he led the Wildcats to upsets over Louisville, Arkansas, and top-ranked LSU. Scouts question his "unorthodox" throwing motion, but they said that about Vince Young, and we all know what happened there. Madden cover anyone?

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IT'S NOT ALL RAH-RAH, PEOPLE. WHO'S TAKING AN L IN '08?

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD

You got by on the beard and the appealingly delusional despotism for long enough, Mahmoud. There just aren't enough impressionable coeds in this country to make us pretend to humor you anymore.

PEREZ HILTON

If we want to see a bitchy know-it-all with a fat-kid complex, we'll watch The View. Who at VH1 smoked dust and gave you a show, anyway? We'd rather watch New York's mom's sex tape.

BARACK OBAMA

E for effort, big homie, but you'll be seeing red (states) come November. Don't worry, you've still got a few terms left before you're corrupt enough not to care what happens to our country.

STEVE CARELL

We still love The Office, but how many times can you play a warmhearted family man who becomes a warmer-hearted family man? Last chance: if Get Smart is as wack as we fear, we're sending Jonah Hill to take a crap on your chest.