SELFISH KIDS

“I come home drunk and I want to watch Medium, but my kids want to watch Elmo. They’ve TiVoed 45 episodes of Sesame Street and I can’t watch Medium. I ask myself, ‘What do I want for Christmas?’ I want to watch Medium. But I heard Medium’s about to be cancelled—there is no Santa Claus! So I ask the kids: ‘Think about it: Is there really a Santa Claus?’ They’re about to cry, and my wife’s going, ‘Don’t say that, honey. He’s kidding!’ No, I’m not kidding.”

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